17 weeks....I'll hold you in heaven...

Well, today marks a bitter sweet 17 weeks of pregnancy for me. Today, I am reminded of the loss of one child, as well as the blessing of another.

17 weeks is when I lost my precious baby boy, 4 years ago. I never got to hold him. I never named him. I have nothing to remember him by. I have nothing left of him beyond the picture in my head of his tiny, lifeless, perfect body. I'll meet him one day. I'll find the perfect name for him one day. I'll hold him one day.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
I still can't believe you're gone

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
Then death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family?
I wonder, what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday
Someday, Someday, Someday.......

For now, I am thankful for the precious miracle child that God has placed inside me. I will love and cherish this baby each day I am given with it.

16 Weeks...We Have A Trouble Maker On Our Hands!

Well, I had my monthly checkup yesterday, prepared to give my doctor this long speech about why I needed an ultrasound for this consignment sale coming up and that this is the week I found out last time I was pregnant...etc.... She asked if they were able to see anything at my 12 week ultrasound and I told her that the girl refused to even show me. And, before I could pour out my soul to her about how I had to have an ultrasound, she says, "Well come on back, I'll take a look!" I was so thankful! However, my child is a stinker. It kept it's legs crossed the entire time! We couldn't see anything from the top view, and from under the butt, the umbilical cord was right between the legs. She said, "Well, that's too big to be a penis and it's pulsating." She told me, "All I can say is I don't see a penis but I just can't tell."

So, I left with no answers, but did get to see my little turkey alive and moving and disobeying for the first time! The baby's heart rate was 162, which it was 160 & 161 the last two times it was measured. The wonderful part was that the nurse was actually able to find it with the doppler this time! I was sure something had gone wrong because I didn't feel movement for the past few days and my stomach seems to have slightly shrunk. But, "Baby HeShe" as Nathan named it last night, was doing well!

I have scheduled an ultrasound in 2 more weeks with the students at Sacred Heart (just for fun- for them to practice on me), but am hoping we'll get a better look at the privates this time! I am going to go crazy waiting 2 more weeks, but it's better than the 4 weeks I was going to have to wait! They would have seen me at 17 weeks (that's the earliest they accept patients) but they are booked for the next 2 weeks- just my luck!

On other notes, we took the boys to the mass chaios at the Blue Angels Homecoming Air Show. It was loud and cram packed with people and over priced nasty food with flies in it. Yes, I was starving and my husband comes back with nachos for me (cheese practically frozen), but I was so hungry that I ate it anyway. Towards the end, I look down and there are 3 flies in my cheese. I wanted to puke! It was interesting though! Now my husband has been inspired to join the Air Force. Too bad their age cut off was this year for him!

Girl or Boy?

I have a checkup with my OB tomorrow. My hopes are that I will be able to talk her into sending me for an ultrasound and I'll be able to come back for my 16 week update knowing if my sweet baby is a BOY OR GIRL!

So I need suggestions as to how I can bribe the doctor into giving me an ultrasound! I should offer to clean her toilets or file some papers. I need to practice my best begging face. On the other hand, I haven't felt any movement for a few days again. This happened last week, I went a few days with no movement, then one big day with some full body rolling going on in there. So, I will be terrified walking into the office and will have some serious high blood pressure when the nurse goes to listen to the heart beat. I just wait for them to tell me the famous, "I'm sure the doctor can come in here and find it right away." I just hope I don't hear that tomorrow!

So pray for #3 to be PINK!

15 Weeks!

Well, not much to report about in the past week. I just wish I could get rid of my headaches! I have one every single day, many of them morphing into migraines throughout the day. I'm sure the stress of my kids acting ridiculous does not help the situation! Other than that, I feel alright.

We have been preparing for Hurricane Ida the last few days. Jeremy disassembled the kid's trampoline because we had just bought it and didn't want it to end up and a tiny crunched ball of steel like a neighbor's did during Hurricane Ivan. It ended up being downgraded to a tropical storm yesterday and made landfall over night. It didn't bring much more than rain and a little wind. So all is well and our family is safe!

So Thanksgiving is coming up! I love this time of year and my most favorite part is Black Friday! The day after Thanksgiving is my day to shop like a crazy person, giving I hopefully have money this year to do it! It also brings the start of the Christmas season! I LOVE CHRISTMAS! I love decorating the house and the whole feeling of Christmas! I am looking forward to it!

I am so proud of my big boy, Nathan! He never wants to go to preschool because he says kids beat him up. He is so much bigger than all of the other kids but will not stand up for himself. He has been taking taekwondo for about 2 weeks now. He had a kid run into him on the playground and he clinched his fists and yelled at the kid to "watch what you're doing." I couldn't have been more proud for him standing up to that bully who has previously kicked my son and is mean to everyone. The teachers said the kid looked so stunned and ran away.

I have a checkup next week at my OB's office. I should be 16 weeks which is when I found out what Josh was the last time I was pregnant. I am going to get on my hands and knees and beg for an ultrasound. I need some good excuses for why I need one!

Results From My Early Screening Blood Work

Just got a call from my Dr. office with the results of my blood work....my risk for down syndrome went from 1 in 950 (based on my age) to 1 in 660 (based on my blood work)...not happy that it went up, but what can you do? Good news is that my risk for Trisomy 13 & 18 went from 1 in 1,700 to 1 in 34,000!! Thank you Lord!

14 weeks!

Well, I officially had my first bout of real sickness last week...yep, I chucked my guts up for the first time! I have to admit, I felt much better afterwards! I have felt like I was about to repeat that morning several times since, but have not so far!

Yesterday morning, right after I woke up, I felt little taps in my lower stomach on the right side. It only lasted about 30 seconds, but I slapped Jeremy, trying not to breath, and told him, "I feel it moving!" Then, again last night, as I laid down on my side, I felt the taps again in the same spot. I just laid there, trying to soak it all in for as long as I felt it. What a wonderful way to begin and end my day, and what a wonderful reminder that my little angel is alive and thriving, and growing bigger everyday!

We took our boys trick or treating on Saturday. Nathan was Wolverine and Joshua was Batman. Nathan got all sad because Jeremy and I didn't have a costume. So, he tried to dress me in everything he had, from his Woody cowboy hat to his GI Joe gear. I finally ended up putting on an orange shirt and pinning black felt pieces to make my stomach look like a pumpkin. He really liked that idea! Jeremy decided to wear red pants with a blue shirt and walk around with the kid's Optimus Prime helmet on. We looked ridiculous, but it was for the sake of making our children happy!